life -not surprisingly- full of surprise. it even bigger when you get older. it might get worse when at some point, you could see everything from a very different point of you than you saw before. you see the way you've been raised, you see the way you used to talk with people, you see the way you used to see in people. you realize you've been wrong all this time. it makes a big hole in your heart, pain. you question anything. you want to blame your parents, but of course you don't, what's the point anyway. it wouldn't change anything. you just have to go, alone, looking for the rightest way, since there is no the best way, and try to not get hit by those "what if" thoughts, those jealousy thoughts, those "i'm not enough, i don't deserve anything or anyone". you walk alone, hugging yourself. sometimes you meet people, for a while you think you could rely on them. but then they go. they have their own life, their own obstacles.
you walk alone. holding to yourself. holding to the light that you doubt it's there.holding to the nasty future you don't know if you want that to happen.
and this thought suddenly lead you to the time when you have your own child. you don't want them to be like you. you want to raise them on the rightest way. but can i? can an emotionally damaged person like me, raise children at the rightest way?

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i know. i know you just want to sleep. i know you just don't want to meet anyone. or talk to anyone. or whatever. you don't want your life anyway.